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User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family - Imrahil's Law - Part 2
(You should probably read Part 1 before continuing, if you haven't already. It can be found here.) - - When last we left the Wiki Family, they were in dire straights. Imrahil was to have his girlfriend over that evening. Predictably, everything immediately went to hell in a hand basket. -Travian has gone missing, and has not been seen for over two days. -Chaz, an embittered ex-family leader, is leading a revolution to overthrow Itallie and put himself back in control. -Dark went with Patrick and a few others to try and find some flowers for Imrahil to give his girlfriend. They picked very quality stock: wild dandelions. Now they return back to the house to find a full-scale war being waged. Unfortunately, Dark has recently been shot in the face by a paintball. His face hurts. -Itallie is trying to defend herself against the impending revolution, and has kidnapped Imrahil as a hostage. -Morgoth and Dragon are trying to find Travian. They may or may not arrest innocents in the process. -Imrahil's cola has gone missing, and he's suffering from the effects. Not only does he desperately need cola, but he got kidnapped, then whisked away in the fury of a revolution. Now finally, he thinks he has finally escaped via the kitchen door. But has he? 'The madness continues in:' ' WIKI FAMILY - IMRAHIL'S LAW - PART 2 ' - - - - - Itallie leveled her gun at Imrahil. "Sorry, Imrahil, but you're a valuable hostage. If this war goes south, I need some negotiating leverage." Imrahil threw his hands in the air. "Of course!" he exclaimed in exasperation, "why not! Of course, I'll just become a hostage! I obviously don't have anything better going on this afternoon!" "STOP RIGHT THERE, ITALLIE!" Dragon appeared from behind the corner of the house, leveling his gun at Itallie, who gave a frustrated sigh. Rolling her eyes, she half-heartedly tossed her own weapon onto the ground and raised her hands. "Well, played, Dragon." she muttered. "Purge you." Dragon smirked. Imrahil was elated. "Good job!" he exclaimed, "now I can finally get things straightened out. There's still an hour and a half before Mandy comes, so maybe-" He felt a slight pain in his neck. Suddenly, he felt very sleepy... the world faded to black as he slipped into sweet unconsciousness. - - - - - "We had apprehended him. He had almost gotten away with the help of a communist, but we had him in our grasp at last." Imrahil stirred in the cold metal chair of Morgoth's office. "What happened...?" he muttered. "I quickly explained how I had subdued him, using my own mixture of-" "YOU DRUGGED ME?!" "More or less." said Dragon with a shrug. "But it was worth it for the cause of justice. Maybe now we'll find out WHERE TRAVIAN IS!?" Imrahil buried his head in his hands for at least the tenth time that day. Dear Elbereth, he needed cola. "Dragon... I'm the one that asked'' you'' to look for Travian in the first place." he said, choosing his words carefully. "I sneered. Like reporting the crime yourself isn't the perfect alibi for someone that's committed a kidnapping." "Should I laugh or cry? I'm not really sure at this point." Suddenly, Morgoth wheeled a huge chalkboard into the room, filled with complicated charts and graphs.'' "I showed him the calculations I had been working on, proving that he had kidnapped Travian."'' Morgoth and Dragon glared at Imrahil accusingly. Imrahil groaned. "You guys really need a hobby." "This IS our hobby." said Dragon. "Your so-called evidence of kidnapping his just score predictions for the next Dallas Cowboy's game." Dragon's eyes widened. "He's right! Oh my gosh, I've been operating by this for hours! That's where we went wrong!" Imrahil remained motionless. "Can I go home now?" "You are home." "Can I leave this office now?" "Uh... I guess so. Sorry for the mistaken arrest and all that." Imrahil slowly got out of his chair and trudged up the basement stairs. - - - - - Faenor loaded his M16, then popped out from behind the couch, sending a hail of paintballs towards the loyalists in the entry-way. He chuckled as he heard an enemy fall the ground with a satisfying "thump". But the loyalists just kept coming. Chaz's revolutionaries were halfway across the living room, behind a couch they had pushed there. "We have to fall back!" exclaimed Faenor, "we're too far out! If they manage to get behind the coffee table, we'll be out-flanked and surrounded!" "Faenor's right." Muttered Chaz. "Shade, we need to pull back to the kitchen." In a burst of cover-fire, the trio dived out from behind the couch, and through the entryway to the kitchen. Soon they were in position behind the kitchen table, which had been turned on its side. "This is better!" exclaimed Faenor. "A variable killing ground if I do say so-" "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" All three dived for cover as what looked like a paint grenade sailed over the barricade and into the kitchen. But to their surprise it didn't explode in a shower of paint. "Must be a dud." muttered Shade. Hisssssssss... Grey smoke began steadily pouring of it, filling the room. "Eureka, that crafty devil." muttered Chaz. "Well, now what?" "WILDCARD!" Without any warning, Tina Roberts sailed through the kitchen door. "VIVA LA RESISTANCE!" she screamed. The recently-retaken living room exploded with light, as she chucked a flash-bang towards the loyalists. With an ammo belt wrapped around her shoulder and a paintball AK-47 in hand, she tore mercilessly into the disoriented loyalists, taking advantage of their blindness. "Tina?!" exclaimed Chaz, regaining the ability to speak. "You came here to help my revolution?!" "Actually I just came here to return a spatula I borrowed a while back, but leading revolutions is kind of my side hobby." The loyalists routed up the steps without any semblance of order or dignity, as Tina continued to pound them with a relentless barrage of paint. Chaz, Shade and Faenor strolled casually into the living room. "Well, my work here is done." said Tina. "Call me the next time you have a revolution, eh? WILDCARD!" She threw a smoke flash to the ground, as the white substance completely surrounded her. When it dissipated, she was gone. Shade looked mildly disappointed. "Uh... I guess we go try and make the loyalists surrender upstairs?" "Sounds good." - - - - - Dark threw an arm around Patrick, leaning on him for support, as they limped through the former battlegrounds. The living room was filled with paint, furniture knocked over, windows bashed in. They clamored through the wreckage, but stopped as the basement door flew open. "Patrick!" exclaimed Imrahil, "did you get the flowers?!" "Yeah, they're in the car." Imrahil looked a little... off. His smile was a little too wide, and his left eye was twitching. "Patrick... I need Coca-Cola... GET ME COCA COLA!" "I, uh, okay I guess." "Thank you." said Imrahil calmly. "Sorry for bursting out like that, but... I haven't had a drink of the stuff all day. I really need something in my system." Patrick shrugged. "No offense, we understand how you get when you don't have any Vanilla Cola. Come on, boys, let's get back to the car." "My face hurts." "Shut up, Dark." "I'd do it myself" continued Imrahil, "but I've got to try and clean this place up before Mandy gets here. Thanks for your help, Patty-Cake." "Don't call me that." Dark collapsed on a couch, while Patrick, Code and Aramir all clamored back into the car, and drove off towards the nearest McDonald's. In no time at all, they were standing in front of the counter, an acne-ridden sixteen-year-old standing in front of them. "May I take your order?" he droned. "Yeah, we'll have four hot fudge sundaes, and a large Coke." "I'm afraid we don't have Coke." "WHAT?!" "The plant in Cleveland burned down yesterday. It'll at least tomorrow before they get enough shipments in from Roanoke to re-supply Columbus." "You mean there's no cola in THE WHOLE CITY?!" "I'm afraid not." With a nervous look, Patrick pulled out his cell phone and dialed. "Hey, Immy? Yeah... Soooooo... The Coke distribution center in Cleveland burned down. There's no Cola in the whole city. ... "PUT FAENOR'S KATANA BACK! FALLING ON YOUR SWORD IS NOT THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION!!" - - - - - We entered the living room. It was in complete ruins. The walls were covered with paint, the furniture shattered, the TV bashed in. On the whole, it was pretty normal for a day at the Wiki house. "Yeah," said Dragon, "pretty run-of-the mill. Everything here is completely normal. How are we'' ever'' going to find Travian?" My partner was right. We had been at this since the morning hours, and we hit dead end after dead end. I was beginning to loose hope. "My face hurts." muttered an unknown voice. I looked over to the couch. In the dim lighting, I could see a suspicious man, his eyes glowing with malice. "With... what?" It was time for questioning. "Alright." said Dragon. He turned to the stranger. "What's your name?" "... Dragon, it's me. Dark. I'm your nephew." Dragon's eyes narrowed. "Rule #1 of being a detective, never assume anything. Anyways, how long have you been lying here?" "Since about a half hour after my face started hurting." "Do you live here?" "Yes. I live in a room upstairs. I miss my room, and how my face used to not hurt when I was there." "Aaaaaalright. Anyways. Have you seen Travian lately?" "Only when I saw my life flash before my eyes because my face was hurting so badly. I saw a scene from when he was nine, and he stole my GI Joe. You know, I don't think he ever actually gave that back..." Dragon sighed. "This is going nowhere is it? Listen, we're just going to leave you to your... whatever you're doing. Thank you for your time." - - - - - - Itallie, Eureka, Elestan and Argali were all huddled in the attic, barricading the door against the enemy advance. Itallie knew Imrahil would pull something like this, but a full-blown revolution? She hadn't given him quite that much credit. The sounds of revolutionaries echoed through the door, as they shouted and tried to ram the thing down. The loyalists were looking ragged. Karos hadn't even made it to safety, before a sniped had shot him in the head. In the darkness of the florescent lights, Itallie began to clean her gun. "I'm starving." muttered Elestan, "we've been cut off from the kitchen for three hours now, and I never had lunch." Itallie glared. "Comrade, you must learn to make love of the Motherland and hatred of bourgeois, not food, your nourishment." "That's not even physically possible..." "DO NOT QUESTION ME!" "Couldn't I have an apple or something?" "AN APPLE IS WORTH MORE THEN YOUR LIFE COMRAD! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET PURGED, I SUGGEST YOU BE QUIET!" "Do we at least have some Vodka?" asked Argali. "Are you kidding?" exclaimed Itallie, "we're communists!" Argali, Field General of the Wiki Household Socialist Worker's Party, blinked expectantly. "... we don't have anything" concluded Itallie. - - - - - - - - Berry and Shadow sat calmly in their tree house, oblivious to the madness going on inside. They heard a knock on the door. "What's the password?" "I don't want inside! I just want to know if you guys have any Coca-Cola!" "Must be Imrahil." said Berry, looking at the shelf. Ah, there it was, a 2-liter of cola! He poured a glass, and walked outside. Imrahil looked terrible. His hair was a complete mess, his eyes were blood-shot, his clothes were torn and wrinkled, and his left eyes was twitching. Berry decided it was best not to ask. He just handed the cup of cola, which Imrahil seized like it was gold. "YOU ARE MY HERO, BERRY" "It's fin-" "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" "It really wasn't-" Imrahil immediately tipped the cup back and took a long swig. His eyes narrowed. Something wasn't right. Berry leapt back in surprise as his older brother spit out the liquid, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "THIS IS PEPSI!" he shrieked in total horror, "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!" "Imrahil, the neighbors are staring..." "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?? THIS IS A CRUEL JOKE, BERRY, A CRUEL, CRUEL JOKE!" "...Aren't Pepsi and Coke the same thing?" Imrahil passed out on the lawn. - - - - - Faenor, Chaz and Shade pulled back the battering ram one more time, preparing to breach the attic once and for all! "WILDCARD!!" Tina appeared again, somehow leaping in through the third-story window. Shade suddenly lost his grip on the battering ram, and it flew backwards down the stairs, sending Faenor and Chaz with it. Itallie and the loyalists, taking advantage of the situation, sallied forth from the attic, and began pursuing the revolutionaries back down the steps. Shade just stood motionless, until Tina seized his hand and dragged him down the stairs, Eureka and Argali at their heels. The battle was on again. "WILDCARD!" Tina pulled a glass jar of Vaseline, and tossed it behind them. It shattered on the stairs, sending the loyalists slipping and sliding until they crashed in a heap on the landing. The revolutionaries found themselves back in the living room, where they set up a line of defense. "NO MATTER HOW THIS ENDS," yelled Faenor, "THIS ENDS TODAY! COME ON, BOYS! ONCE MORE AND REMEMBER OLD VIRGINIA!" Close-quarters paintball fighting broke out in the ruins of the living room, Faenor and Chaz joined by Morgul and Edacnik. The room once more devolved into chaos. "Where the heck did Shade go?!" yelled Faenor. "I dunno," said Morgul, "Edacnik and I just got back from Cincinnati! I think I saw Shade and Tina disappear out the kitchen door." "Figures." said Faenor, rolling his eyes. "Well, we'll just have to fight all the harder. DEUS VULT!" He plunged into the fray, swing his paintball rifle at Itallie's head as a melee weapon. Itallie somehow managed to parry with her pistol, while simultaneously firing into Chaz's chest from across the room. This would be a battle for the ages. - - - - - - Patrick Wiki Just now I drove to 'Zanesville' got you some Coca-Cola, Immy. I'm waiting on the front porch. Imrahil snapped off the ground. "Well, thanks Berry, but I've got to run." He said quickly. "Sorry for yelling at you about the Pepsi. BYE!" "wha-" Imrahil dashed through the backyard towards the house. Nothing would stop him from getting his precious Vanilla Coca-Cola. NOTHING. He dashed through the door into the kitchen, immediately diving to avoid machine gun fire. Snatching a pistol that was lying on the ground, he spun around and fired, sending the loyalist sprawling to the ground. Grabbing his pistol, Imrahil walked to the other end of the kitchen, kicking a table over just in time to intercept machine gun fire from the hallway. He walked into the dining room, leaping to the floor and sliding into the hallway, dodging fire from Eureka's paintball Uzi. Imrahil walked down the hallway, raised both pistols, and fired at two separate loyalists coming both directions. Whistling a tune from Guardians of the galaxy, he walked into the entry way, a loyalist sniper perched on the stairway above. Out of ammo, Imrahil chucked his empty gun at the sniper, hitting him squarely in the face as Imrahil waltzed towards the door. It burst open and Patrick flew in, a cup of cola in his hands. To Imrahil, it all happened in slow motion. The door flew back as Patrick sprinted in with the cola. Ah, Patrick, Imrahil could always count on his loyal brother to deliver. Looking at Patrick bring him the cola, he felt a surge of brotherly love towards his fantastic sibling. After all, Patrick had been with him through thick and thin, and- A stray paintball screamed through the air, nailing Patrick in the face. Imrahil watched in horror as the plastic cup of cola left Patrick's hands, spinning through the air in a trajectory that would bring it to crash against the ground. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" ' It stopped mid-air, balanced on the end of a katana. Imrahil felt a sigh of relief as Faenor grabbed the cup from the end of the blade. Faenor had saved it; he had saved ''him. Faenor was his savior, his hero, a paragon of all things virtuous. Imrahil highly considered converting to the Orthodoxy, as he stepped towards his brother and- A foam Nerf Sword collided with the back of Faenor's head, as Itallie charged in from behind. Faenor understandably was caught by surprise, and Imrahil didn't even fault him when the cola left his grasp. '''"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Chaz plucked the cup out of mid air. Again, Imrahil felt an overwhelming sense of love and compassion toward his communist brother. Sure, Chaz had incited bloody revolution that had destroyed the house, and once he had tried to poison his older brother, but his heart had been in the right place. Chaz was brave, bold, and loyal. He was one of Imrahil's favorite siblings, even- Itallie stumbled backwards from Faenor's counter-attack, landing directly on Chaz. He fell to the ground with an "oof", and the cola, forgotten, went spinning through the air once again. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Morgoth dived from behind the couch, and caught it inches from the ground. He had retrieved the cola for'' Imrahil.'' Sure he had been an insane detective for the past month, and maybe he had drugged and kidnapped Imrahil, and maybe he had ransacked half the house "looking for clues", but what was all that, really? It was Morgoth's way of being a good brother. Morgoth was one of Imrahil's favorite brothers. Brothers forgave- Morgoth suddenly saw his missing magnifying glass under the coffee table. His eyes widened as he dived under the table for it. He tossed the cola absently in the air, as he went for the magnifying glass with both hands. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Itallie, leaping off Chaz, plucked the cup out of the air. She was only a few feet from Imrahil, as she stepped forward to hand it to him. She was his favorite sister, Imrahil realized, one of his favorite siblings. So what if she declared a political purge and tried to become dictator-for-life of the house? So what if she held him captive as a political prisoner, and so what if tried to use him as a hostage? The important part wasn't that she had completely ruined his date with Mandy, it was that Imrahil would get his cola. That's all that- Almost a pound of paintballs drilled into the side of Itallie's head, as Morgul opened fire with a full-auto machine gun. COME ON! Itallie went down, and the cola went sailing through the air towards Imrahil once again. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Imrahil knew he wouldn't grab it in time. On a good day, maybe, but not in his cola-less haze. He watched in horror, as the cup plummeted towards the wooden floor- Where it was caught by none other then- "TRAVIAN!" screamed Imrahil Travian smirked, handing the cup to his brother. "I guess I was supposed to catch this? Ya'll were looking at it kinda odd, so I assumed-" Imrahil snatched the cup, tore off the lid, and downed the entire cup in one guzzle. He could feel the caffeine and sugar returning to him, embracing him like an old friend. It felt like someone was massaging his brain, the stress from the entire day just melting away. Imrahil closed his eyes, savoring the feeling. When he opened them again, the house was still in ruins. Mandy would probably break up with him instantly, but somehow he just didn't find the strength to care about anything beyond his cup of precious cola. "Where the heck were you, Travian?!" "Uh.... - - - - - - The heat from the volcano beat upon Travian, parching his mouth, and demanding that he shield his eyes. The rock below him began to slowly crumble, sending shards splashing into the lava far below. But Travian had bigger things to worry about. He charged forward, returning the fire of six KGB agents with his trusty pistol. At least three of them tumbled into the ravine, as Travian's trusty jetpack finally finished charging. Pulling the chord, he rocketed up to the cliffs far above. "Kim Jong Un." he snarled, "we meet at last." The North Korean dictator snarled. "You have gone too far, Agent Wiki." "Freedom can never go too far." replied Travian, unsheathing a katana. "It's time we finish this once and for all." "As you wish." replied Kim Jong Un, drawing a katana of his own. Both charged forward, dueling as the lava shot up into the air. Brilliant strike was parried by brilliant defense, as the sounds of their clash prevailed over the sound of the rushing lava. "You can't win." said Kim Jong Un between strikes, "you must know this. My agents have already infiltrated San Diego Comic Con, ready to intact the secret plan. It's over, Wiki." Travian stood strong, but his heart quavered a little. He knew he only had thirty seconds before the bomb detonated, causing the volcano to erupt. He needed to- - - - - - "It's not really important." shrugged Travian. "I'm here now." "And so is she." sighed Imrahil, looking at the door. Mandy was standing on the porch, looking as beautiful as ever. Instinct told him to run away. Hide. Flee the country. Shave his head and become a monk in Nepal. But somehow Imrahil opened the door, and let her inside. The furniture was crushed and destroyed, literally every possible surface was covered in paint, some of the revolutionaries with minor injuries lay groaning on the ground. The battle still raged on in the living room, the sounds of screaming and shooting rising into the air. Mandy carefully picked her way through the wreckage towards Imrahil. "Uh... Immy." she asked slowly, "are you okay?" The family had devolved into another civil war and Imrahil looked like he had gotten run over with a dump truck, but he could still taste the remnants of the Vanilla Coca-Cola on his tongue. "I'm doing great, Mandy? Yourself?" "Is.... your house... okay?" Imrahil knew that Mandy would probably break up with him, but strangely he didn't mind. He had quite simply reached the cap on how much stress he could experience at once. And the caffeine from the cola gave him a strange type of euphoria, a happiness he just couldn't shake. "Bad day." he said simply. "I see..." said Mandy, genuinely perplexed. "So... what happened?" "Right!" exclaimed Imrahil, "I should probably explain! You see..." Chaz and Eureka were having a shoot-out in the hallway, what appeared to be the last stand of Itallie's loyalists. "Uh..." Faenor was locked in combat with Itallie, his clothes torn and ragged, still stained with the paint from earlier's bloody skirmishes. "Er..." Patrick was taking a half-dead half-crushed clump of dandelions out of his pocket, and looking at them blankly. Imrahil didn't even want to ask. "My siblings, they... um..." Dark was huddled on the ground, clutching his face and howling in pain. "Sometimes my family can kind of..." Morgoth was staring directly into a light bulb. With a magnifying glass. In a freaking detective costume. "They, uh..." Travian, who had been missing for two days, was looking around the room, trying to salvage the furniture he could out of the battleground's ruins. "Yeah," said Imrahil delicately, turning back to Mandy. "I've got nothin'." Category:Blog posts